I am currently reading a book by DLuis Meyer entitled, “Coming Out in New York City.” As I was chugging along through the book, I came to a chapter where DLuis’ main character talks about the feeling of being followed and how he would turn around and there would be no one there. He eventually comes to the conclusion that it was HE that was following him; his own persona was in pursuit.
As I continued to read, I had to put the book down and reflect upon this statement that DLuis made. A light went on inside of my head and I realized that maybe I was supposed to read this book now, at this point in time, because it truly meshes with what I am currently experiencing at the moment, in this journey of self-discovery and enlightenment that I am on. I have had the book for literally a couple years now, but never read it. One day, I picked it up from a pile of unread books, from the bottom of the pile in fact, and began reading it. I have been enmeshed with the many messages of personal growth and self-discovery that DLuis’ main character experiences in his journey of coming out.
This book and my interest in the character’s personal reflections certainly segues into what I have been experiencing of late. I have had an intense compulsion within my gut to broaden my self-reflection and discovery to a more intense level, through meditation and reparative healing (a.k.a. past life regression). I have enlisted the guidance of two well know community leaders that specialize in each of these areas and will soon begin this new journey to discover who it is that follows me. I believe it is the many manifestations of my very soul that have manifested in human form through the ages that are still with me in some form or fashion that guide my decisions; whether for good or bad, they are still with me.
Why this interest in discovering who follows me? What purpose will it serve in this current form to know who my soul has been in the past? I have always had a desire to delve within through meditation but never really gave any serious thought to reparative healing and how it would help to answer many questions I have or explain why I do what I do or have the feelings I have. It is the pursuit of more enlightened thinking and an awakening of my consciousness that leads me to this next level of self-discovery and reflection and hopefully to connect things together, not necessarily to change how I am but to more fully understand how I am and what I do.
I firmly believe our souls are in a perpetual cycle of growth and evolution. It manifests repeatedly in order to fulfill a mission that may have been unfulfilled. To learn a lesson that was unlearned, or to impact someone’s life that was not impacted. For whatever reason, our lives are not our own. They are not a happenstance occurrence in the universe. However, while we are living the current manifestation, some of the issues we experience can create undue confusion and concern, until the day we awaken and realize that it was all part of a grand scheme of existence and overcoming challenges that transcend many of our human existences.
In order to more fully explain what I am talking about, I shall provide some examples, some of which I have never told to anyone, not even my closest confidants but I feel it necessary to now divulge some of these issues I have faced in my life because I now realize that much of what I was doing was clearly the residual remnants of lives gone by.
First, I have always had an intense sexual drive, even in my youngest days before I knew what sex was all about. Things would stir in me that I could not explain. Sex and all its consequences have been a very big part of my life,and still is, and it has created situations that could have seriously jeopardized my reputation in my budding career and with other people and how they looked upon me. It was at one point in my life an addiction where I could not control what I was doing and the only thing on my mind was getting off wherever and however the method would be. It caused me to not focus on things I should have been focusing on and created such a meandering, helpless feeling within, that it almost destroyed me.
I always thought this was directly related to my being gay and repressing my true identity for so long, that it created unhealthy sexual practices that could have seriously impacted my life. But looking back on those days now, I can see it was much more than that. I firmly believe that one of my past manifestations was a very sexually aggressive person and their sexual drive has carried over to this current form. Maybe they were also a very homophobic persona who is now learning what it was actually like to be queer and what trauma they created in other people’s lives. Who knows.
Another example I can pinpoint is that how the natural environment and its power has a draw upon me that settles my mind and and relaxes me, and I spiritually connect with being in the woods, listening to a stream, the birds, watching deer romp and all that comes along with it. Could I have been at one time a Wiccan prince or princess? A witch maybe? Who knows.
A third example is my writing. I love to write, and I seem to draw upon a power that brings forth words and thoughts from my head to the computer or paper upon which I am writing. I myself, sometimes am in awe of what comes forth from my brain and say, “that certainly is not me that is writing this.” Could I have been a writer in a past life, who wishes to continue that practice in this life? Who knows.
These questions, along with some others, have gnawed at me for years and years, and created such anxiety and blissful peace within me simultaneously. I believe we all need to heal and repair ourselves and reconcile the many components of our past lives that are carried forward into this current form. My goal in doing this more intense self-reflection is not necessarily to change what I do or what I am, as I have learned to live and deal with much of what I have been challenged with, but it is more to understand it all and tie it together in order to move forward with what I need to do with the rest of the years I have.
We all must reach into our past, the past that we cannot see or comprehend, in order to discover who it is that follows us, impacting our lives, and that which has to be overcome in order to move forward in this current manifestation of our existence.
I would encourage you to delve deeper into your psyche and try to understand what it is that makes you tick. Awaken yourselves to the possibilities and keep an open mind. Yes it might be scary. I certainly have some apprehension in doing what I am about to do, but I feel it is a necessary and logical step in my progression forward to becoming the best person I can be, and to be the person I was born to be to its fullest.