Fear is a driving force in our lives. The motivating factors of fear induce us to do things we normally would not do, good and bad, and also propels us to heights of awareness and achievement beyond our wildest expectations. There is also a tendency of fear to be a regulator on our progress forward because we sometimes actually fear what we want, thus subconsciously preventing us from obtaining what we dream for. While all these various factors of fear interact in our lives in some form or fashion, it is the last factor, fearing what we want, that is the most destructive to achieving our personal greatness.
Why do we fear things so much? What is inside us that prevents our evolution forward as complete people? How is it that we can harbor grand visions of ourselves reaching levels of success and notoriety and yet within us, right next to those visions is the fear of the dreams and aspirations that would result from the fruition of our visions. We need to overcome this horrendous fear of what we want…. IMMEDIATELY.
The most glaring representation of this fear is being held captive at our own will within a dark, musty closet hiding our true selves. Living my lie was the most heart wrenching experience I have endured to this point in my life. I aspired to be the ideal person I had created in my mind. I aspired to be a successful person, living openly and freely as a queer man, doing and saying whatever I wanted without any fear of reprisal. I envisioned myself to be happy and living life to the fullest without any regulators.
The fear of coming out so overpowered my dream of being the ideal person I could be, that I simply buried what I wanted even deeper inside of me, and made countless excuses about why I could not have what I wanted. With each episode of not being able to overcome the fear, I got all the angrier and disgusted with myself. I hated who I outwardly was and felt I was to be eternally captive to that evil force that lies within us too; the one that we create to stifle our progress forward to becoming the complete person we are all meant to be.
Coming out is a battle that I had waged for many years. Eventually my fear of not being who I was born to be motivated me more than staying the in closet worrying about what would happen if I actually was the person I was born to be. I won the battle and I can openly and freely provide my insights on the process and to encourage others to follow their hearts and drop the façade and just be who they are meant to be.
On another front of my ever enduring trek forward toward a fully enlightened self, I have been dealing with an issue that has been driven by my fear of what I want and am diligently working to dispel. I have ultimate goals of becoming a well renowned writer, being paid heftily for what I write!!!! With that notoriety comes the demands being placed on my time with social and other interpersonal events. The issue which I am dealing with is related to my fear of interacting within social circles and attending events at which I will be a main focus. I know I need to do such things, and I see the big picture, and force myself to indulge in the events and once I am in attendance I am fine. I have made great strides forward on this challenge, but I still have a way to go before I can fully embrace such interactions without any fear whatsoever.
Before I continue I must entrust some information to you that will fully explain the cause of my issue at hand. In a prior blog I wrote that we develop habits which are very hard to break that were conceived during the time we are in the closet. I stated that when someone would get to a certain point, I would then shut them out, for fear of being found out.
This fear of my sexuality being discovered drove me to being a loner, shutting out true love and prevented me from developing deep bonds of friendship with another person. I would purposely not put myself in front and would operate in stealth mode always hiding my true inner essence. I would have to say that this is the remaining battle I am waging against a past self, a self that I do not now recognize.
This remnant of a Jim Koury that is no longer, if not overcome, shall prevent the current Jim Koury from moving forward to discover the fully ideal version of Jim Koury. I will overcome this battle and win it, just as I did when I waged the battle against myself in my coming out process.
You too can overcome the fear of what you want by reaching deep inside yourselves and touching your dreams and aspirations with every ounce of passion you can muster! Keep in focus that which you want. Emblazon your passion on your soul and wear it proudly every day, and never second guess yourself and turn back in retreat. You will only do yourself unnecessary damage.
Together we can win this battle. After it is won we can entrust our wisdom to others freely, without the prejudice of our own personal trials and tribulations intruding, and help them win their battles against their fear of what they want. Reach out and discover yourself and empower yourselves to control your minds and only see the person you want to ultimately be. Do this and you will overcome any adversity, as I will with my current shortcoming that has lingered from a past that is no longer.