The Gay “Lifestyle?”

Is there really such a thing as a “gay lifestyle?”  It is a phrase used over and over again by both those within and outside the queer community.  A “lifestyle” is the manner by which a person chooses to live their lives.  The key word is “choose.”  Do queer people choose their lifestyle?  It depends on how one is using the phrase contextually.

In a general sense we all have a lifestyle that inherently belongs to us, and is one that we choose to live.  My lifestyle involves waking up in the morning, having my morning coffee while I surf the web and chat with friends on gay.com.  I go to work, earn money to pay the mortgage and other bills and hopefully have a little left over.  These are all voluntary actions and are part of what comprises my lifestyle.

However it is an erroneous assumption to carry this logic to one’s sexuality.  It is not a choice.  The insistence of some that being queer is a choice and that one can change the way they were born causes, many times, irreparable damage to one’s psyche, self-esteem and their sense of who they truly are.  It causes one to live a life that is not theirs, to create a façade, a lie that envelops the true essence of who they are.

Denying one’s very being is epitomized in a quote that I often reference.  “The torment of human frustration, whatever its immediate cause, is the knowledge that the self is in prison, its vital force leaking away in wasteful self-conflict.”  Many queer persons live two lives.  They are in prison not due to their own doing but for what society dictates them to be and how they should act.  They waste their lives, their inherent potential, and their vital life force, on worrying about hiding themselves.  Wasteful self-conflict is being torn between those that say we can choose who we are versus living our lives as we were born to as out, proud, productive individuals who just happen to have many of the same lifestyles as everyone else, except that we love another of the same sex.

So no, there is no such thing as the “gay lifestyle.”  There is no choice involved.  We are who we are born to be.  We cannot change that.  Do not let anyone tell you any different!

10 thoughts on “The Gay “Lifestyle?”

  • July 19, 2012 at 12:17 am
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    Very interesting article. I agree! Sexuality is not a choice, but sexual preferences do affect our lives in different ways. At the same time, I think sexuality is just a small part of us, same as gender or taste in music, for example. It is simply an aspect of our life, nothing more. Not all gay people behave in the same way.

  • July 19, 2012 at 2:23 am
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    Jim, interesting position to take, but surely it depends on how you define “lifestyle”. I don’t think the definition of the word necessarily connotes choice; I think most people use it more loosely as a catch-all for behaviors that are common amongst a set of people. To deny that people can be grouped – and even pigeon-holed – may be a politically correct thing to say, but it’s asking for human nature to bend itself out of shape. We navigate life by grouping things. And there are truths behind many such groupings. Do gay men, on average, take better care of their bodies? I’d argue that they do. What is so bad about saying that’s part of a gay lifestyle? Just like I have a lot of African-American friends, and enjoy celebrating – even humorously – commonalities between them that make their “lifestyles” beautifully unique; and my black friends laugh when I point them out.

    I think we have to learn to get less defensive about stuff like this. Why is it in any way important that somebody says such and such about a gay lifestyle? Let’s just get on living life how we want, and not worry so much about how people label us.

  • July 19, 2012 at 11:15 am
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    Yes, Keith it is a matter of perception and definition. However, I frame it in the context in which the right wingers view us. They always say it is a “lifestyle choice” to be gay and that we can change. I don’t see this as being any type of label at all, as you intimate in your last paragraph. I have evolved to the point where I am very secure with myself, and just don’t care what folks think of me or the way I live. However, it’s a personal preference to not use “gay lifestyle,” as it does, to me, connote a choice; that I made a conscious decision to be queer. I did not.

    Thanks for your input!

  • July 25, 2012 at 12:36 am
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    You have raised a valid point. I hope people read this article and realize their mistakes. We should refrain from any kind of labeling because when we label, we divide people into groups and hurt their self-esteem.

  • July 25, 2012 at 5:13 am
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    You have raised a valid point. I hope people read this article and realize their mistakes. We should refrain from any kind of labeling because when we label, we divide people into groups and hurt their self-esteem.

  • July 25, 2012 at 10:09 am
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    I love reading your articles and this one has surpassed all. You have raised such a pertinent yet not-so-recognized issue. We do this unknowingly and cause pain to others. There can never be anything called gay lifestyle. Thanks for opening my eyes.

  • July 26, 2012 at 4:21 am
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    Thanks Douglas. I posted three more. So get ready… LOL… they are “pending” still.

  • July 26, 2012 at 7:57 am
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    Lady Gaga (Born that way) not withstanding, behavior and identity IS a choice, even when inclination may be either hardwired or programmed. While in the past many straights would never choose to engage in same sex behavior or identify themselves as gay, most with same sex attraction in the past either suppressed the behavior, conforming to social norms OR kept their homosexuality private. Now, of course, anything goes. Young people are now inclined toward gay identity even if not ‘born that way’. Sexual inclination is remarkably plastic and can be readily groomed, a gateway to both behavior and identity.

  • July 26, 2012 at 1:00 pm
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    I am quite sure what you are saying. I sense you do not believe sexual orientation is determined at birth and is not genetic?

  • July 26, 2012 at 1:02 pm
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    I meant to say “I am not quite sue what you are saying.” LOL…